Journal April 19: Rejection, DisENCHANTMENT & TRUST
Yesterday after having played tennis with Phil & having contemplated judgment & rejection, including making others feel rejected, refused & undervalued, bot now and as a child, I suddenly felt the opposite of the faith, pride & positive excitement in regards to my musicality that sounded so good & promising one day before. As if I had taken a 180-degree turn, embodying the role of the rejector, the judge, suddenly feeling not good, not good enough, completely foolish in regards to my ability of having been able to ‘objectively’ hear and perceive my music, singing & voice; as if all the good reasons I had accumulated, assimilated, received & recognized up until then were based on delusion, being very wrong & naiveté. As if trust, faith & knowing suddenly left, leaving me paranoid & absolutely confused. It’s is a scary feeling. Is the courage to potentially appear foolish, to be fully vulnerable, simply a part of externalizing musicality, playing outside; playing for real. The feeling of being completely let down at the bottom by everone. Even the fear that your biggest enemy and your lover are judging you, rejecting you & scheming against you behind your back. Is this an important lesson, or have I created this because I’m leaving the studio, Sarita & my musical intentions for 3 weeks of India, or because I choose, in a way, to escape & reject my own life & musicality here in Antwerp? Or because of my own doubt of going back and forth between all-in with music; the fuze, on one hand & AI Visual Art Prints on the other hand? What if I want & need both?
I do recognize the impact of mixing & Ableton on the overall quality of my music; and that I might be too hard on myself, but maybe not choosing to externalize my music is a form of rejecting myself?! Maybe it is a needed experience preparing me for having work; music; play feel like ‘Goa; India’, an irresistible exotic liberation; to experience more fun & love in my musical work instead of fear. Either way, I believe in the energetic frequency, the value, the worth, the words, the prompts, the commands, and that’s enough reason for me to commit, craft & finish what i've been creating. I don’t reject my own musicality anymore. I make choices that are harmoniously aligned with musical trust & faith. I place, invest & attend confidence in the ability, strength, truth & aesthetics of my musicality. It’s interesting, how trust, faith, self-realization, self-recognition & self-approval came and went, and for some still comes and goes, periodically waving, leaving & returning into its opposite of distrust, paranoia & the heightened awareness of fear; floating back again into trust, belief, knowing & higher intelligence, power & skill.
I recognize that these were painful states, emotions and fears for me; the pain of having believed in your own understanding falsely, the realization that you misunderstood (yourself); the pain of the leaving of hope, faith, and expectation of ever being musically recognized, understood and/or approved as worthy, good and worthwhile listening to. The pain of one’s long held belief, certainty, faith & esteem in one’s self turning out to be naive & not grounded in what is collectively, culturally, commonly or universally held as true. Disillusion, the condition of being disenchanted; the condition of being dissatisfied or defeated in hope or expectation. The fear of being or appearing too vulnerable, appearing too weak, mad, dark, strange, evil or perverted & being ridiculed & rejected for it, especially by those who are the closest to me, those I need and love the most; those to whom I belong the deepest.
On the other hand, I also recognize & realize the leading & transformative effect of highly fearful being, thinking, and feeling into a following of greater awareness, mastery & capacity. I also realize and understand the liberating, powerful, inspiring, enabling & uplifting effect & impact on others of appearing like a sad fool; making the other feel like ‘happy genius’. Now I’m receiving all the needed intellectual wisdom & emotional intelligence in regards to expression, exposure, vulnerability & rejection. I reflect that I’m the hero. I realize myself as the hero. Realizing, recognizing & embodying self-recognition, self-approval & untouchable courage & willingness. I do it for myself; the Self, this self-actualization, the boosting effect & the respons of life, the resolving truth of the experience & the fulfillment of my knowing, understanding & realization.