Appearing & Feeling Unworthy
In this short post I’d love to share a short contemplation I did on self-worth and self-esteem, and before we do that I’d love to give a few definitions I found on the web:
When you have high self-esteem, you are convinced that you are worthy. This is not vain or arrogant. It stems from the conviction and belief that every human being is worthy and that you are as well. It is the conviction that you are worthy, regardless of what others think of you. It’s the feeling that you don’t need anyone else to achieve what you want and need. It’s the firm belief and faith in oneself and one’s abilities. Believing in one’s worth.
So it’s mainly about believing that you are worthy and able to fulfill your needs and achieve your dreams; the things you need and want in life. As I write this down I wonder what beliefs hinder me from feeling full self-esteem and self-worth, and I’d love to contemplate what aspects of my life make me feel unworthy and give me low-self esteem. Certain aspects of my life definitely give me the illusion of unworthiness, and I say illusion because I believe that deep down, in the core of my being, I am already whole, complete and worthy.
This experience of being fully worthy is something that I’ve experienced a few times during certain peak experiences along my journey and is something that is also easily seen in, for example, playing children. I think it’s mainly comparing myself with others and their expectations of me, including my conditioning from my family and the collective culture at large, that hinders this embodiment, experience and sensation of full worthiness and self-esteem.
Why do I believe I am unworthy?
This being said, I’d like to expand on the meaning of the word ‘unworthy’ and add a few extra dimensions to the word to make my contemplation deeper and more meaningful.
to feel unworthy to me strongly resonates with feeling unworthy, feeling inferior, feeling undervalued, feeling not deserving, feeling misunderstood, feeling wrong and feeling alienated.
So what aspects of life make me feel this way? Well, here are a few I came up with, including a short contemplation on them. Note that I say ‘experience unworthiness’ and not ‘feel unworthy’, because our sense of self-esteem and the emotional climate we experience are two different things. You can feel hopeful, excited, happy or satisfied while feeling deeply unworthy, and you can have a strong sense of self-worth while simultaneously feeling painful emotions such as despair, guilt, grief, sadness or anger.
I experience unworthiness
I experienced unworthiness in regards to some of the new generation of young people who are more experienced, wise and conscious at a younger age due to their early exposure to the internet, social media and the massive amount of role models and examples they bring.
This is something I simply have to accept and cannot change. It’s due to a change of times and not having been young at the time of certain technological advancements and the rise of the internet.
I experienced unworthiness because I don’t have my own home or apartment.
This is something I can change by being more proactive about it, but something I don’t need at this time, as I am home alone in my family apartment in a blissful room fully able to be, flow, connect and create. I have my home now at the moment as well.
I experienced unworthiness because I don’t earn a steady income in the classical, homogenized and normal way.
This is something I don’t feel I need because I’m fully emerged in my life purpose and in loving intimate relationships, with the ability to buy every I need to self-actualize and deeply enjoy life. I feel like life is abundant and that even when there are no material resources, I’m still able to expand on myself, my interpersonal skills and my musical skills.
I experienced unworthiness at times because of the codependent entanglement with my mom and her extreme creative and destructive behavior, and the heavy emotional impact it has on my life and my being.
Although this is a topic too deep to discuss here, I do recognize that it has been emotionally intense and that my mothers’ decisions have had a severe impact on my self-esteem and emotional state in my childhood and during my young adulthood, I must say that this is something that I’m accepting and embracing more and more in my life, as I can see the positive aspects on my understanding, spiritual development and overall emotional intelligence.
I experienced unworthiness because my role and identity throughout life, and thus my sense of ‘career’, is not fixed.
I’ve come to understand that this is the way I am, and I don’t need a fixed identity, role or career in life in order to feel fully self-worthy. I feel that all my past roles are merging together in the ability to create awe-inspiring experiences, the ability to build, create and share beautiful, impressive and enlightening songs, and the ability to experience deeply fulfilling, magical, hilarious and loving intimate relationships.
I experienced unworthiness because I don’t have ‘buzzing’ social media accounts.
This is a hard one, as I feel like lot of people are trying to ‘prove their worth’, ‘look good’ and ‘look for love’ on social media, which are things I simply don’t believe in. On the other hand, social media, when used consciously, can be a great place to share and connect, so I’m leaving it at this for now.
I experienced unworthiness because I don’t contribute or add value to others and society in the amount I think I should. This is as an individual, as a friend, as a family member, as an entrepreneur but especially as an artist and/or musician.
This is a strong realization for me because looking at my life I actually often think in ways and act as if I have something to prove in order to experience full worthiness. This is a confronting realization because I truly think I have nothing to prove in order to experience full worthiness. Comparing myself with other people, artists and musicians that simply have other backgrounds, skillsets and energetic compositions is something that strongly diminishes and definitely lowers my self-esteem.
I experienced unworthiness in contrast to people from my hometown, Antwerp, because I’m half a foreigner (West-Vlaams) and because I often don’t feel at home in this city.
This is something that varies, as I’ve traveled around the globe and have felt a lot more in harmony in other locations, but I feel it’s a lot about acceptance and about doing my best to actually love Antwerp while balancing the natural, wild and spiritual self with the cultural, integrated and civilized self.
I experienced unworthiness because I feel that I have a lot of metaphysical wisdom, emotional intelligence and fringe experiences that others don’t seem to have in the same degree as I do.
This does not really make me feel unworthy, as I can feel I can connect meaningfully, beautifully and deeply with a lot of different kinds of people from different walks of life, but it’s more a feeling of alienation, as connecting in fringe, dark, strange and deeply spiritual ways is something I often recognize as the most beautiful peak experiences in my past. Experiences others don’t seem to have experienced. These kinds of interactions are something I subconsciously deeply want, seek and need, as I feel that these extreme experiences create space for new liberating balances.
I experienced unworthiness because I often take drugs, entheogens, pharmacons and other substances.
I now see that there is nothing to feel unworthy about in regards to taking drugs or other substances. The terms entheogens and pharmacons explain this quite simply, which are are close synonims for the word ‘drugs’, which mean the following:
Entheogens: Psychoactive substances that induce alterations in perception, mood, consciousness, cognition or behavior for the purpose of engendering spiritual development or otherwise in sacred contexts. Pharmakon: is the term used in Philosophy and critical thinking for a substance that can either be a remedy or a poison. This also brings me to my final conclusion that drugs can be positive and that the context, the intention and the amount of substances you take play a major role, and that it does not have to negatively involve sels-esteem.
I experienced unworthiness because of the mechanics of my mind and its connection to language e.g. the words: bad, good, right, wrong, successful and positive.
This is is a deep topic that requires a whole other topic to discuss in-depth, but I feel that reading and recontextualizing words, labels and meanings is deeply important, reminding me of a video of Leo Gura called ‘Building Your Existential Vocabulary’
Recontextualizing and Polarizing Beliefs
I’m sure there are plenty of other aspects or beliefs that made me feel unworthy, but I’ ve got a lot of juice from it and I sense that you’re able to see that questioning, contemplating and ultimately shifting your beliefs around worth, worthiness and self-esteem can be extremely liberating, empowering and enlightening.