INTRODUCTION
Before we start, this shit is outdated, but, yes:
Self-esteem strongly determines the quality of our life. But how can we define self-esteem? Well, our self-esteem is our confidence in our own worth or abilities or simply put: how we perceive ourselves. The higher our self-esteem, the more fulfilling our life purpose, our relationships and our sex life will be. By devoting ourselves while setting the strong intention to work on our self-esteem, we automatically attract a deeper sense of joy, willpower, purpose, authenticity, satisfaction and flow in life. When we think of self-esteem in terms of consciousness, a low self-esteem corresponds with low consciousness which mostly consists of emotional states of fear, apathy, shame, guilt and victimhood. For a deeper insight into the full spectrum of consciousness, go ahead and check out my blog post about The Full Spectrum of Human Consciousness.
I cannot think of a single psychological problem—from anxiety and depression, to underachievement at school or at work, to fear of intimacy, happiness, or success, to alcohol or drug abuse, to spouse battering or child molestation, to co-dependency and sexual disorders, to passivity and chronic aimlessness, to suicide and crimes of violence—that is not traceable, at least in part, to the problem of deficient self-esteem. Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves.” - Nathaniel Branden, author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
So how do we create a stronger sense of self-esteem? What are the foundational aspects that determine our self-esteem? Glad you asked, let’s dive straight in.
The Six Pillars OF SELF-ESTEEM
The six pillars of self-esteem are the foundational cornerstones that make up the totality of our self-esteem. You will find out what they are below, but before you extract all the juice out of them, I just wanted to quickly mention that the notes on each of the pillars will be as concise and practical as possible. What can you start implementing and incorporating right away in order to see immediate shifts in your life?
Also, what determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does” It’s nice to talk about ideas, memorize inspiring words, and get an intellectual understanding of something. But it’s what we DO that leads to our self-esteem. Branden continues by saying: “A practice’ implies a discipline of acting in a certain way over and over again— consistently. It is not action by fits and starts, or even an appropriate response to a crisis. Rather, it is a way of operating day by day, in big issues and small, a way of behaving that is also a way of being.”
I. The PRACTICE OF LIVING CONSCIOUSLY
The first pillar is the practice of living consciously. Are we directing our energy, our intentions and our focus on things that are meaningful, authentic and fulfilling? Are we consciously directing the coarse of our life or are we simply being reactive to all of the expectations, impulses and assumptions coming from the external world?
Throughout the book, Branden brings us back to the practice of sentence completions as a powerful tool for raising our self-esteem. It rests on the premise that all of us have more wisdom than we normally are aware of. The basic idea is to complete the following sentences and write down 6-10 completions of that sentence. The only rule is that each ending needs to create a grammatically correct sentence. Trust your intuition, keep the answer flowing and know that any ending is fine.
For the first pillar, try these out:
Living consciously to me means…
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities today…
If I pay more attention to how I deal with people today…
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my insecurities then…
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my priorities then…
II. The PRACTICE OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE
The practice of self-acceptance is the second pillar of self-esteem. This pillar entails the conscious practice of recognizing, accepting, forgiving and showing compassion for every aspect of our shadow self and hurt inner child. This is crucial to be fully grounded in our own self-esteem. Unfortunately, so many of us are in an adversarial relationship with themselves, making it very hard to love themselves while fully standing in their full power and highest potential.
“As a psychotherapist, I see nothing does as much for an individual’s self-esteem as becoming aware of and accepting disowned parts of the self. The first steps of healing and growth are awareness and acceptance—consciousness and integration.”
Notice that we can not only run from our dark side, but also from our bright side—from anything that threatens to make us stand out or stand alone, or that calls for the awakening of the hero within us, or that asks that we break through to a higher level of consciousness and reach a higher ground of integrity. The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny or disown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our greatness—because it frightens us. If a fully realized self-acceptance does not evade the worst within us, neither does it evade the best.”
Are you accepting your own greatness?
III. The PRACTICE OF SELF-RESPONSIBILITY
The third pillar is the practice of self-responsibility. Our ability to consciously ‘respond’ to any given situation as healthy, empowered and creative human souls. The more we practice this pillar, the more we become aware that we are truly responsible for every thought, choice and event in our life. Just to clarify, to be ‘responsible’ in this context doesn’t mean responsible as the recipient of moral blame or guilt, but responsible as the chief causal agent in my life and behavior.
The opposite of responsibility can be described as the act of seeing ourselves as a victim; blaming other people and external conditions for our current situation, our challenges and our emotional states of shame, guilt, fear and powerlessness.
So, question time: Where can you be more responsible? Where are you blaming others for your circumstances? In what areas of your life can you apply the combination of your will, your imagination and the visualization of your deepest ‘why’ to shift your existence to a more blissful state? Remember that only you can do this and you only got one shot.
IV. The PRACTICE OF SELF-ASSERTIVENESS
The practice of self-assertiveness is the fourth pillar of self-esteem. Are we speaking our deepest convictions or are we shying away? Are we confronting the truth of who we are or are we avoiding confrontation? Are we assertively manifesting our deepest needs and our soul’s desires or are we generally apathetic about our lives? To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost convictions and feelings—as a way of life, as a rule.
Here’s another angle on the power and practice of self-assertiveness: “Warren Bennis, our preeminent scholar of leadership, tells us that the basic passion in the best leaders he has studied is for self-expression. Their work is clearly a vehicle for self-actualization. Their desire is to bring ‘who they are’ into the world, into reality, which I speak of as the practice of self-assertiveness.”
To drive this point home, remember the idea that “authentic” and “author” come from the same root. To be authentic is literally to be the author of your own life script, both past and future. Who is writing the script of your life?
V. The PRACTICE OF LIVING PURPOSEFULLY
Living purposefully is the fifth pillar of self-esteem. “To live purposefully is to use our powers, free will and imagination for the attainment of goals we that align with the authenticity of our soul. This highest potential we set for ourselves can be anything, like conquering our deepest fears, raising a loving family, starting our own business, bringing a new product into the marketplace, solving a global problem, building a vacation home, sustaining a happy romantic relationship, etc. It is having meaningful, inspiring and empowering intentions at the core of our life that lead us forward towards an eternally flowing, energized and blissful existence.”
Lest you think goal setting is not for “spiritual” peeps, consider this: “Understood correctly, there is nothing intrinsically ‘Western’ about a strong goal orientation. When Buddha set out in search of enlightenment, was he not moved by a passionate purpose?”
So, what’re your goals? What deeply inspires you?!? Not what you think you should do or that you think would impress others, but the visions that deeply resonate with your highest values and ideals. Are you clear? Are you living in integrity with them? Great, let’s move on to the last pillar, which is the pillar of personal integrity.
VI. THE PRACTICE OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY
The practice of personal integrity is the sixth and final pillar of self-esteem. Without it, the preceding practices “disintegrate.” Do your ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs and behavior all line up? Are you walking your talk? Are you committing to what you believe is your highest potential? And, perhaps even more importantly, do you even have a sense of what your ideals, convictions, standards and beliefs ARE to use as a basis for your measurement of how you’re doing?
Observe that before the issue of integrity can even be raised we need principles of behavior—moral convictions about what is and is not harmonious for us—judgments about right and wrong action. Be aware that these personal moral codes of right and wrong have to be experienced for ourselves, and cannot stem from external authorities such as our parents, our friends, our teachers or society in general if we want to live a blissful, confident and purposeful life.
“Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs—and behavior. When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match up, we have integrity.
PRIDE: VICE OR VIRTUE?
Apart from fullfilment, self-realization and joy, we also obtain pride as the emotional reward of achievement. It is not a vice to be overcome but a value to be attained. Why are we conditioned to believe pride is a vice? I prefer Branden’s take: “Self-esteem contemplates what needs to be done and says: ‘I can’. Pride contemplates what has been accomplished and says: ‘I did it’. While we’re here, why not take time for a quick top 5. What are the five things you’re most proud of?
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Well done!
This article was based on the book ‘Six Pillars of Self-Esteem’, written by the leading pioneer in the field of self-esteem during the end of the 20th century; Nathaniel Branden. Get your copy here.
Another great model to analyze, understand and improve ove your self-esteem is The Full Range of Human Consciousness, which can be found here.