I realized I am or was deeply isolated, nullified, dissociated & deluded musically (and thus actually also humanly and sexually, as I saw music as my thing) due to not wanting, daring or being able to finish my music. The music I often believed in. Isolated, dissociated & deluded lot stronger than I was aware off. Every time I nearly finished, I decided that was good enough, moving on with the enthusiasm of myself, but never the recognition from others.
This vulnerability of actually finishing songs is or seems so painful and scary, that I seemed to sabotage myself out of fear over and over again, moving on to the next one, as from very early on life has shown me that being or sharing myself is often not ok, safe or worthy, as it often lead to being hurt, rejected, abandoned or cheated, which in turn lead to a deeper level isolation, nullifying, dissociating and/or deluding myself.
The fear of sharing, the fear of choosing/binding and the fear of truly being passionate because then the rejection is truly hard
How this has been manifesting itself musically in the later years, mainly subconsciuosly, became clear after having collected and assimilated all the different (unfinished and some of them actually good) tracks from over the years from my old computer in order to create a sense of coherence and structure, with the intention to face and confront them. It’s a painful realization, as it also often lead to a (maybe even deluded) sense of haughtiness, ugly pride, superiority in a semi-deluded reality dissociated from what I truly felt, needed, wanted and lacked. Is this why I felt so disconnected from those I love and need the most?
It’s also sad because this seeply rooted sense of isolation, frustration and shame also reflects itself in my life, voice and music sometimes, making the disbelief and proof of the shame even bigger at times. I’m actually truly starting to consider to just give it all up and let it all go, my identifying myself as a musician. Either way, it must be said that there is new hope that comes with these realizations. I realize it’s important that I face and finish songs fully one by one, those that I believe in the most, that I need the most, that resonate the most and that I am intuitively lead to from a place of truth, vulnerability and authenticity. Choose and pick the one from the big pile of unfinished scraps in terms importance and finish them through feelings fear, shame, doubt, wrongness or fakeness, as it takes become it. Become Charlie Wonders.
Teach what heaven looks like, on earth. What divinity feels like, in flesh. And of what it means to dream in spite of darkness, hope in spite of odds, and prevail in spite of fear.
