The Power of Opening, Closing and defining Boundaries
The essence of life, boundaries! Very important stuff, but first of all, what is a boundary? Well, let’s ask the dictionary:
boundary
/ˈbaʊnd(ə)ri/a line which marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.
This is highly important, because a satisfying, powerful and balanced life with loving, inspiring and fruitful relationships and a high, strong and positive sense of self-esteem requires consciously placed or superconscious boundaries.
Every relationship and human being is defined by its boundaries, and we could define a boundary by the beliefs and behaviors by which individuals, couples, and groups delineate:
what is shared and what is separate;
what is public and what is private;
where we connect and where we diverge.
or, differently put:
‘What is me, and what is not me?’
‘What is inside of me, what is outside of me?’
‘What comes in, and what doesn’t?’
’What do I want to experience, and what do I not want to experience?
Remember, a boundary is a line that determines what is inside and what is not. A line that defines what is intensified inside of me and what is not. What belongs here in terms of energy, data, frequencies, information, emotions, content, beliefs, struggles, secrets, … etc.
At its best, our boundaries create a conscious and blissful container that allows us to proactively, comfortably and efficiently live, create and connect inside of it while maintaining a sense of personal power, authority, agency, satisfaction and harmonious connection.
I believe it’s everyone’s aim to place the right dividing lines, or boundaries, into place so we can experience the maximum amount of connection, love and unity.
Being too rigid or too loose
Boundaries can be described through their permeability: the degree to which they regulate information, resources, and interactions, and the extent to which they can allow influences and events to be integrated into the person or relationship. This means that our personal boundaries also determine our sense of connection and separateness. People with boundaries that are too permeable, will have too much-unwanted energy (consciously or subconsciously) coming into their field of awareness. This could be disharmony from an environment, desires and requests from others, unwanted things to commit to, corporations or people with certain (unwanted) energies, emotions and intentions of others, … etc.
Ester Perel, American Psychoanalyst, puts it like this: ‘People with permeable boundaries experience high permeability. They can be severely affected by external circumstances, like the trials, demands and tribulations of other people. They might reveal too much about themselves to others, and their fear of rejection and dependence on outside opinions can lead to burnout. They lose their self-direction and struggle to hold on to themselves in the presence of another. Being overly permeable can potentially lead to overextension, chaos, burnout and a confusion in regards to what our true needs are.’
There are also risks in regards to being overly rigid in our boundaries, and what follows are some of the risks that come with either being too open/permeable on one hand, and being too rigid/close on the other.
Risks of being to open/permeable
Taking responsibility for things that I shouldn’t take responsibility for
Do I take on others’ emotions too much, identifying with them as If they are mine?
Being overwhelmed with requests, demands, desires or expectations of others, losing your Self/Other balance with depression, futility or burnout as some potential effects.
Being overextended and not finding the time and space to create a life that is truly desired, satisfying and purposeful.
Experiencing confusion and misalignment in regards to what needs, moods, and emotions are ours or those of our family members, friends or even society at large.
Risks of being too closed/closed
Remaining too indifferent about things that actually concern me or are my responsibility
Not being considerate enough in regards to the emotions of others, becoming cold and apathetic, with not being able to truly connect with others as a result.
Being uninformed about the trends, novelties, revelations and occupations of others, with the risk of not being up to date with what’s important in your field of expertise, passion or circle of loved ones.
Being uninspired in regards to what it means to create a truly desired, satisfying and purposeful life.
Notice that people with strong boundaries do no per se mean that they are harder to connect with. They may simply have other priorities. Remember, boundaries delineate what is shared and what is separate, public and private, where we connect and where we diverge, meaning that trust also strongly influences boundaries, as it prevents your inner reality from leaking to (unwanted) others, through others.
The full extent of boundaries could be summarized as the following:
‘How much are we able to accept the other as they are and want to be, letting them live their life as they want to live it, instead how we want them to live it.’
Every relationship subconsciously negotiates this question all the time, as those who do better, live better.
Boundaries at the root of suffering
A dysfunction of boundaries in relationships results in a relationship that is overly:
enmeshed: The people in the relationship are too fuzed, there is too little of a boundary, everything that happens to one person happens to the other, what is experienced by one, is experienced by the other. The potential problem is that the emotional, mental of physical climates of both persons get overly entangled with a chaotic, straining or disharmonious codependency as a result.
or
separated: when there is too much space, too much indifference, not enough mutual attention, recognition and awareness toward one another. There is not enough understanding or empathy in regards to what the other is experiencing, automatically creating emotional, intellectual and relational distance.
Boundaries evolve as the relationship evolves. Often, when the involvement in a relationship becomes stronger, there is the expectation that the relationship becomes more shared, connected or exclusive, with the risk of potential enmeshment. This can be discussed, communicated or prevented by conscious conversation when this is not desired, needed, intended or prioritized by one, both or all of the partners.
You see, enmeshment is a concept in psychology and psychotherapy introduced by Salvador Minuchin to describe relationships, tribes or communities where personal boundaries are blurred, subsystems are undifferentiated, and excessive concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development, which is something often to be avoided.
One of the key elements in a relationship is also accepting the boundaries of others while simultaneously embodying the truth that others have to respect our free will and accept our boundaries, regardless of what boundaries they have in place or what they perceive as healthy, logical or harmonious boundaries. We have the tendency to perceive others’ boundaries simply as relative to ours, labeling them as too rigid when ours are looser, and labeling them as too loose when ours are more rigid.
In general, you could ask yourself:
Do I see myself as someone who could use loosening up my boundaries or strengthening my boundaries?
Opening up, and allowing things to enter, or creating more of a container, so that I can protect what is inside and keep certain things on the outside.
This may depend on the particular relationship, but it can also be addressed on an overall level when we zoom out and contemplate the quality of our relationships, emotional well-being and our overall relational satisfaction.
The Types of Boundaries
I’ve come to understand it’s important to differentiate boundaries within 3 different levels of relationships: the personal, the interpersonal and the transpersonal level.
I. The personal: The boundaries that reside within ourselves, which we may not want to cross, such as certain subconscious aspects of our shadow self, including blind spots in our awareness, harmful tendencies and unresolved trauma.
II. The interpersonal: We have boundaries with the people we’re most intimate with; our partner, our soul mates, our friends and the members of our tribe, community and family.
III. The transpersonal: We have boundaries with the collective; society at large; the whole world so speak. As we are connected to everything, online and offline, this means humanity and life at large, physically and metaphysically.
So as you can see, there is a gradual development in regards to the field concern: purely to one’s self, selfish, all the way to the sole concern of others, with the concern of others and the collective at its extreme.
Both, both selfish and selfless can be needed, desired and positive
Now, sometime we need space and time alone, inner silence, for making sense of our experience. For contemplation, depth, recovery and integration of new lessons and insights, but we may not be able to create this space and time for ourselves, for example because of our phone or mobile devies or because of people we are related to. So how can we actually resolve this? Here are some strategies, both for tightening up as for loosening down our boundaries.
Strategies to tighten your boundaries
Contemplate the (details of) your masculine energy, purpose and career more deeply: the stronger the sense of who you are and what you want/lack, the stronger the boundaries you (can) set.
Say no more often, especially to things you don’t want or requests you don’t have the willpower or energy for.
Change your phone number and only give your new phone number to those who should be able to contact you.
Consciously place limits on when you check your SMS inbox, mailbox, post box or social media platforms, managing the amount of external information coming in.
Pranayama exercises and substances such as coffee, cocaine and entheogens have the potential power to strengthen our personal boundaries.
Devices that impact our sensory input, such as earplugs that limit incoming auditory signals or blinds that divide us form the outside world.
Strategies to loosen your boundaries
Cultivate selfless empathy by contemplating the struggles, pains, frustrations, sadnesses, demons, and problems that the collective and your closest loved ones are going through.
Create belonging in your friend group, relationship, tribe or family by organizing dinner, meet up or party evenings.
Immerse yourself into YouTube channels, blogs or other information channels of domains and fields that are in line with your passion and purpose.
Connect with loved ones that either you need or either need you by being responsive, committing and reconnecting.
Saunas, bath and boundary loosening substances, e.g.: THC, Alcohol or DMT.
A positive exercise is also to look at the different scope of relational environments from the past, and ask yourself if this was an environment that allowed you to do the things you wanted and needed to do, positively impacting your self-actualization process, or was this an environement that actually strenghtened your defenses or coping mechanisms? What have been positive experiences that have helped you strengthen the part of you that you want to develop more, and what were those situations? How can you replicate them?
Placing & Negotiating Boundaries
It’s important to see that we also constantly invade, touch or knock (at) the ‘boundary doors’ of others. We can do this in different ways:
We can either forcefully or passionately push our desires, requests or demands onto others, with rape as an extreme example on one hand.
or
We can gently or softly communicate our desires, requests or demands with others, with open and ‘expectationless’ invitations and requests as an extreme on the other.
Imagine how it feels when others try to change your inner state of awareness, balance, boundaries and realities. Then picture yourself how you would like to be treated, approached and invited optimally. It’s a lot more enjoyable, liberating and satisfying when the other approaches us lovingly in a way that doesn’t feel forceful, and most of all, in a way that feels like our free will is not violated or oppressed.
Connect, divide, hold close, listen, let go and surrender.
Place, question and receive boundaries and conditions into and upon Life/the Self until you can experience the Love unconditionally.